That pretty much sums up how I’ve been.

I did get in to have another blood draw to be tested for Celiac. Nurse guessed the results would be back in a week (tomorrow) for “outside” lab work. (I took it to mean they sent it to a lab in the Lower 48…I was too preoccupied to think of asking at the time though.) So, hopefully, I know about that tomorrow.

I have not had a dopler yet. Things took a couple of complicated turns in this regard. Apparently my OB/GYN is no longer doing OB work! So, if I want the ultrasound to verify a heartbeat, he could “squeeze it in” under verifying the mole cleared up. Since I want a dopler instead, there is only one reason for that – verifying baby’s heartbeat – so it would be obviously *not* connected to the mole and therefore he won’t do it. Ugh. Ok, that’s ok. We’ll see our midwife for the dopler. If there is a heartbeat, great! We can “officially” have our first appointment with her. If there isn’t, we go back to the doc. Right? Wrong!!! I called my midwife…she’s no longer practicing!!! WAAAAH! I was under the assumption that the cancer she was refering to when I called her in May was a PAST experience. Big Shock! She’s dealing with it NOW! I feel like such a heel! So absorbed in my own concerns, I didn’t fully find out about her!!! Ugh. This time when I called her to update her (I hadn’t all summer although she said she wanted to know the outcome) and see if she could do it for me she was a little hesitent in answering and then immediately referred me to an independant place in town that does ultrasounds, etc. I pressed a little further and she opened up and we had a great conversation. She was in the midst of fighting in in May when I contacted her having done (or was just finishing up) radiation, etc. Apparently that didn’t work as she is going a “natural route” now and seeking treatment in Tiajuanna at a center that many Witness’ use (she’s Jehovah Witness). So, anyway, I felt sooo terrible. I feel badly too that she won’t be able to deliver our baby (if indeed this is a viable pregnancy)…but mostly I feel bad not knowing and not praying for her. 😦 Her “partner” – another midwife with her own business but they supported and worked with each other – is still in business though and she attended at least two of the four births we’ve had with them (the first midwife was at all four 🙂 ). There was always interaction with her on “clinic days” so we are comfortably familiar with her too and if she has an opening, we’ll have her attend the birth.

Question is – how to get our dopler done? If we contact the second midwife, she is only doing home visits right now. She lives and her business is based in a smaller town about 1/2 hour away. According to the first midwife she is apparently going to rent her house and get a duplex here in our town while she attends nursing school and meanwhile plans to rent space somewhere to set up a birthing clinic with another lady who had been one of their apprentices but is now licensed (I’m guessing on that because I vaguely recognised the name she gave and it wasn’t important at that moment to ask). Anyway, we are hesitant to have visits here because the mess the house is in. Still flooding, etc. So, it seems the only option is the independent ultrasound place…but then they charge more and finances are reeeeally tight right now. I know you all would love for me to give you a definite answer on all this! LOL I want one too!!! But, we have to weigh our options and do what’s best all round. I know you all understand and I thank you again for prayers!!! To tell you honestly, I’m not feeling very hopeful…

Like I said above, the basement is still flooding. As long as this rain lasts, it will keep doing so. I’m trying so hard not to be disheartened. But, it has really thrown our living and routine into upheaval. Our house is 3,400 squ. ft total – including the basement. We absolutely can not use the basement at all now. We have no choice about the laundry as that is only place with H20 hookups for it. Doing the laundry is a miserable job now to say the least though. Anyway, we’ve gotten rid of many things furniture-wise – two or three of our dressers in particular – as they were water damaged. Getting rid of the dressers leaves the clothes for those people stacked around. Which leads to me trying to purge or pack. One more added chore to try to squeeze into my already busy day. I’m not getting to it very fast. 😦 My dh has nearly finished clearing the boxes in the garage. I’m afraid he’s thrown out things I may not have and I’m afraid to think about or ask about it. In fact, I saw him burn some things in the fireplace that I had to bite my tongue about. 😦 Anyway, we are still left with half that space – 1,700 squ ft – but that space only includes 2 bedrooms and a bath…the rest of the space is all open to each other. Dh and I are sleeping in the guest room/sewing room in a double bed. He’s just shy of 6’4″. It’s not going well to say the least. One or the other of us is clinging to the edge at night and nearly rolling out…mostly *me* because he’s bigger!! But, he’s not sleeping well either because he is bigger and although he’s taking up most of the room it’s still not quite enough. 😉 The room is packed with stuff that was already in there (neatly at one time!!!) plus stuff we inherited from his grandmother but didn’t have a place for yet plus now our clothes, etc. that we had downstairs. There’s barely room to get to the bed. 😦 The other bedroom we had made into a schoolroom and it’s also where we stored toys, games, art supplies, etc. At this point, there is no “reclaiming” that room as a bedroom because where oh where would all that stuff go??? Plus, I do need it (homeschooling you know!) so I just can’t pack it away! Plus, we are now storing business stuff in there!!! Ugh. That leaves the children camping out in the living room. Remember, all the rest of the space is open to each other…there’s not really getting up early or staying up late for dh and I to get things done *without* keeping ALL of the children awake!!! So, everyone is having late nights too often, etc., etc. It seems a vicious cycle that will never end!!!

I know it will end…just not until next Spring/Summer when we can (Lord Willing!) get the foundation dug up and dealt with. $$$$$

So, life has felt really out of control. I know it only feels that way because *I* want to do the controling!!! God is in control of all this…none of it is getting passed Him. I am having a hard time remembering that there is a purpose here from minute to minute…God could change all this in a moment if He so willed. (On reflection, mostly at night when I’m going to bed and having deep heart felt prayer!!) I do see the broader scope and haven’t been too weary. 🙂 )But, He hasn’t and we need to heed the lessons and endure, obey and be thankful.

How was that for an update? I feel weird baring my soul so to speak… I’m an introspective private person. But, that’s just the way it is and I thought I’d get it off my chest this once. 😛